


What she always wanted

by Storylandqueen



Series: Get What You Need [1]
Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, One-Sided Relationship, The suicide king, s03e09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-11
Updated: 2013-02-11
Packaged: 2017-11-28 22:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/679784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storylandqueen/pseuds/Storylandqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, it all came down to the same thing. She shouldn't, but she did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What she always wanted

**Author's Note:**

> It's past five in the morning for me, so this might all be rambling. I really don't know what this is.

In the end, it all came down to the same thing. She shouldn't, but she did. 

She shouldn't have lied, shouldn't have cheated, shouldn't want what other people had, but that never stopped her.  According to the Bible, there were a lot of things Beth Greene wanted even though she shouldn't, but knowing that didn't make resisting any easier.  Besides, there were a lot of things going on in her life that believing hadn't prepared her for, so wasn't it okay if she needed just a little help to make it through? Took just a little more than she should have, indulged in just a few harmless wishes?

If she could kill the dead and call it a mercy, Beth thought she could be allowed to care for the living without calling it selfish.

It didn't start with Rick, anyway, so that should be in her defense, shouldn't it? At least, she didn't think it started with him, but with the baby. Judith, although Beth secretly still thinks of her as Asskicker in her head sometimes because she wants the baby to grow up to be strong, to never feel the terror she had felt or the despair that caused her to try ending her life.

She hadn't been lying to Carol when she said she wanted a baby, and it hadn't been one of those silly little girl dreams of motherhood, either. She'd know other people that had babies, the younger siblings of her classmates or the children of older siblings. She always wanted to hold them when she was around them, was willing to carry them for trips through stores or anything else. She didn't shy away from baby vomit or dirty diapers, accepting it all as part of the wonderful little package she got to hold. Sometimes Beth told herself it would be different if she was around a baby for longer than the period of a sleepover, that she might not enjoy the idea when the baby cut into her life and it was an obligation instead of a choice to care for a small one, but her mind always kept coming back to the fact that the baby would be _hers_ , that they would have that bond and Beth couldn't imagine anything could be so important as to come between a mother and her child. She knew she would get there one day, just like her mother had and like she knew her sister would, too. The day she found Maggie's birth control pills had been something of a shock to her, the presence of them abhorrant to her, the idea of intentionally preventing or tampering with a little life making her throat tighten.  She hadn't even realized that Maggie was having sex even though she always knew that the older girl would probably have a baby before her. The birth control pills slammed it home for Beth that those two things didn't have to be related, nor was it a guarantee that she couldn't be a mother first.

So, no, it hadn't been a lie to say she'd always wanted a baby and it just so happened that Judith didn't have a mother. Rick didn't have a wife, either. Not anymore.

Beth really didn't know where that one came from. She thought maybe it was the fact that Rick was the leader, that something in her was drawn to his strength, relied on him because he was the one that enabled her to learn to shoot a gun. Beth wondered if it was sympathy for his loss, knowing what it was like to lose family, or if maybe she was simply forming a bond with Judith and feelings were blooming for the father through that.

Beth was certain it was wrong. She was closer to Carl's age than Rick's, but when she'd cradle Judith close and smile at her sleeping face, she'd look for features that were the same as the older man's. When she fed the baby, Beth would coo to her stories, tell her all about the things her Daddy had done to keep them safe, what he was doing and how she hoped he was safe, how she prayed he be back soon. Never, no matter how quiet they were being, no matter how alone, did Beth ever verbalize a comment marking herself as Judith's mother. She felt like somehow claiming that right would jinx any sort of relationship she could have with the baby if said too soon and she knew Rick wasn't ready to think of someone else like that, not when his wife had been gone barely a week.

But that hadn't stopped her from throwing her arms around him and holding him close when he came back alive, and the brief press of lips to his cheek could have been considered a platonic gesture except that it wasn't in Beth's mind. It was only a small thing, a quick, chaste connection, but she'd still made it, just like she was the one to stand at his side and hold Judith before handing him over to her. Beth felt like maybe, if she was patient, if she could wait, over time she could slowly fill up the cracks and take on a new role in the strangle little family dynamic the group had. It would make them stronger in the end, wouldn't it, add yet more strings to tie them all together.

Judith was defenseless, but Beth could take care of her. Rick was falling apart, but Beth could put him back together. 

But it was more than just that she could, Beth wanted to. She shouldn't want it, but that didn't stop her, and Beth was willing to wait. Rick and Judith were worth the wait, Beth just hoped there was enough time left for her to enjoy it. 

 


End file.
